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Tips & Advice

The Science of Fair Fights

Eight Fight Busters

Take a timeout. If you feel yourself reaching the boiling point, simply say, "I’m getting too worked up for this to go well, so let's try later." Then go for a run or a walk, or hit a yoga class, or just do deep breathing for 20 minutes. The stress-response makes it hard to think  and can keep you fighting when you normally wouldn’t want to if you felt in a better place. . . . Read Avoiding Fights

 

 

 

Tips & Advice

Romance

 

How to keep romance alive

The headline on the research in attraction and romance is this: Sometimes you have to act before you feel.We’re not passive animals, waiting around cupid’s dart  to strike us between the eyes. Couples can all too easily get into habit of not connecting, nor relating, not even being couples per se. If you wait around until you feel like touching or having sex or talking, you might be waiting a long time. What we now know from this research is that there are a range of things you can do to keep passion alive—and the best part is the more you do them the more you want to do them. 

1)   Touch: Multiples lines of evidence confirm the romantic importance of oxytocin, the "cuddle hormone," which is released in greater quantities when we touch our loved ones. The more you touch, the more oxytocin is released, which helps create feelings of closeness and trust—which leads to more touch.It's a positive intimacy loop. The same is true of sex. The more sex you have, the more the feel good brainchemical, dopamine, floods the brain's reward centers—which makes you want more sex. If you make time for nothing else, make time to cuddle, kiss, or hug. Make time for skin-to-skin contact.

2)   Look: Research also confirms that gazing into someone's eyes enhances feelings of attraction--even with a stranger. Oxytocin might play a role here as well. There's evidence that increased oxytocin leads to increased eye contact. Translation: another positive cycle, where holding hands and looking at your partner could make you want to look at them more. I'm forever encouraging couples to make eye contact again. It so simple, and so powerful, to look in to your partner eyes while talking. It's also all too easy to get into the habit of not looking at all. Try this: share the highs and lows of your day while actually maintaining eye contact. 

3)   Listen:  Intense feelings—say from sharing emotionally important experiences—can also enhance romance. Picture the classic scenes in movies: characters share their longings, their fears, their sadness, and fall towards each other, for the first time, in a passionate embrace. It's the stuff affairs are made of, so why shouldn't you and your committed partner enjoy the same benefits? Start confiding in each other again, and maybe soon you'll be sharing more than words.

 4)    Laugh: men and women all over the world consider humor especially attractive. So play together, make jokes, laugh at your favorite comedians. Humor stimulates the reward centers

(more dopamine)—which can only help keep the romance alive. Humor may literally be a turn-on. Higher dopamine has even been linked to higher testosterone, the hormone that fuels sex drive in men and women, alike. Couples who share inside jokes feel more satisfied and connected.

5)   Explore: Decades of research suggest that novelty enhances attraction. Make dates and explore new places together—go for a hike in the hills, send flirty texts, check out a new restaurant, leave a love note hidden in her purse or his coat. Call you partner up, out of the blue, and say I can't wait to see you tonight (and see if it doesn't excite you just to say it). All that novelty keeps the reward centers active and the dopamine flowing, which keeps the flame lit. 

 

Final tip: if you’re not interested in trying any of these things, ask yourself: are you angry at your partner? Are you hurt. If you’re not open to reconnecting, there’s usually a reason.