Tips & Advice

Communication

Common Errors

First, the Don'ts

1) Don't assume that sticking "I feel" at the beginning or end of a statement means you've stated your feelings or asserted yourself. Example: "I feel like you're a lousy listener when you just say uh-huh all the time."

2) Don't embed accusations: Example: "I feel like you're trying to start a fight."

3) Don't interpret behaviors (that is, don't tell people what their intention really is). Example: "I think you didn't call me last weekend because you don't care about me."

The ABC's of Assertiveness

Now for the Do's:

A) Use the word 'I' as often as possible: I'm hurt that you haven't asked me how my day was. I'm feeling a little shut down. Even better: I shut down when I'm not asked about my day. This last statement is an example of advanced assertiveness. It takes practice. People feel less defensive when they don't hear the word you. It keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change, making it harder to feel attacked. This is a great deescalation technique. Strive for it, but don't get too stuck if you can't come up with a "you-less" statement. You shouldn't always have to work so hard to be heard. If you stick to describing your own feelings and the events you're reacting to, you've already done your part to keep things civil.

B) Describe the hurtful/problematic behavior: Four examples:1) I get scared when you raise your voice (or I get scared around raised voices); 2) I feel sad when you say nothing after I've shared a story (or I feel sad when there's no response to what I've said); 3) When I hear, 'you never do anything around here!' I feel demoralized (an example of simply repeating events or statements, the most efficient way to steer clear of potentially inflammatory interpretations like "you're just trying to bait me."; and 4) I get defensive when you ask me, "why did you do that!"

C) Make a request: Proper assertiveness always includes a request of some kind. This makes perfect sense when you keep in mind the ultimate goal of assertiveness: constructive change. Without a request, you're merely describing your feelings--and that's a good start, but if you want things to change, you'll probably need to provide a little guidance. Don't ever assume that someone knows what to say or do differently to make you feel better. More often than not, hurtful behaviors stem from lack of skill and knowledge, and you might need to teach people how you prefer to be treated.

How to Say No

Many people confuse assertiveness with rudeness. Don’t make the same mistake. If you’re looking to become more assertive, and want to start saying no, you’ll want to keep a few things in mind:

1) Use “no” as a last resort. A lot of books recommend learning to say no. It’s far more important to learn to say, “I’d like to think about it.” It’s rare that someone needs an answer right away (how many emergency yes or no questions are there?), so you have a right to think about what works best for you. Exercise that right. If pressed you can always say, “if you need an answer now, then I have to say no, because I’d rather not commit if I’m not sure.”
2) Say no graciously. If you’re feeling truly empowered, you don’t need to shoot people down to take care of yourself. If no is the answer, you can always say, “I really wish I could, but I can’t.”
3) Start with what you can do, not what you can’t. It softens the blow of an outright no to lead off with something you’re able to say yes to. So think about what you are willing to agree to and offer that first: “I can help you with unpacking next weekend. I just wouldn’t be able to help you move tomorrow. “
4) Watch out for “Why nots?” Your no should be sufficient, and someone who presses for more is really being rude. Prepare ahead of time to say something like, “I just can’t do it.” Even if it’s because you have a massage appointment, if you’re taking your own needs and self-care seriously, that really means you can’t. You shouldn’t have to explain why.

Avoiding Fights

Take a timeout. If you feel yourself reaching the boiling point, simply say, "I’m getting too worked up for this to go well, so let's try later." Then go for a run or a walk, or hit a yoga class, or just do deep breathing for 20 minutes. The stress response makes it hard to think  and can keep you fighting when you normally wouldn’t want to if you felt in a better place. 

1) Catch your partner being good. See or hear something you don’t like? Keep an eye out for times your partner does what you like (there’s always going to be one or two). "I love it when you (call when running late, ask me about me day, kiss me hello….)" In the research, rewards -like praise and attention - are far more effective in influencing people’s behaviors than punishments (like criticism)

2) Answer the question you wish you’d been asked. We’re often angry with our partners because we’re waiting for them to ask a question (how was your day?), or finish a job, or make a decision that we’re really counting on. If it’s that important to you, don’t wait. You’re setting yourself up for anger. You shouldn’t have to wait past the point of patience to get an important need met.  Have something important to share? Share it, whether you’ve been asked or not. 

3) Remember the ABC’s of assertiveness: When A happens, I feel B. Think I’d like C. Making requests instead of accusations and attacks is an easy way to avoid a fight. You can read more about assertiveness (above). 

4) Accentuate the Positive. There’s a magic ratio in relationships, the Gottman Ratio: couples feel more satisfied and connected when the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5:1. You can create a kind of emotional buffer against negativity and boost your relationship resilience by increasing the number of positive interactions, even if you haven’t resolved an argument.  You can read more about changing feelings through action here.  What you’ll find is increasing rewards (which researchers have discovered is key in maintaining passion over time), also changes your feelings so you’re less likely to fight. 

For more information, check out the talk-free relationship fix

Staying Close after Kids 

1) Jump at chance to be with each other. When your schedule becomes squeezed by parenting demands, a carpe diem mentality can add a playfulness and excitement to intimate life that you weren't challenged to try out before kids.

2) Take a good hard look at yourself. Could you learn to be more flexible? Or a better listener? If you're open to learning new behaviors and attitudes, your kids will benefit—and so will your partner.

3) Embrace the changes brought by kids. I learned to start viewing "going to the beach" as "going to the beach with kids"—a slower, more meandering version of my kid-free beach days, but one that involved lots of games and breaks from packing. My wife and I both benefited by giving up our attachment to the old version. If you fight the change, you can count on tension with your partner. If you embrace it, you can start seeing things in a whole new way.

4) Use quiet times with kids as a chance to bond. Few moments provide the depth of satisfaction and emotional bonding of laying together, soaking up the bliss of a sweet, family moment. Sit close to your partner.Touch each other when you have the chance. This is family intimacy. It can only add to your relationship.

5) Celebrate when the day is over. My wife and I started a ritual of toasting at the end of the day: "We made it," we'd say; "the kids are alive and asleep. Ahhhh." We'd share the highs and lows. Parenting is a shared adventure, full of self-discovery and rich rewards. If you don't take the time to talk about it, you're nurturing distance and missing out—and then you end up as a statistic in a study.

Want to read more? Check out this article on Kids and Marriage.