Talk-Free Relationship Fix #10,302: Say No Without Starting Trouble
Thursday, June 24, 2010 at 12:08PM (Even more impressive than starting in the 700’s is breaking the 10,000 mark)
OK, so this one does require a few words, but not many. For some reason, the last few posts generated curiosity about how to preserve harmony when you just want to say no. It’s true—being able to say no is an important relationship skill, in and of itself, so here are some quick thoughts.
Many people confuse assertiveness with rudeness. Don’t make the same mistake. If you’re looking to become more assertive, and want to start saying no, you’ll want to keep a few things in mind:
1) Use “no” as a last resort. A lot of books recommend learning to say no. It’s far more important to learn to say, “I’d like to think about it.” It’s rare that someone needs an answer right away (how many emergency yes or no questions are there?), so you have a right to think about what works best for you. Exercise that right. If pressed you can always say, “if you need an answer now, then I have to say no, because I’d rather not commit if I’m not sure.”
2) Say no graciously. If you’re feeling truly empowered, you don’t need to shoot people down to take care of yourself. If no is the answer, you can always say, “I really wish I could, but I can’t.”
3) Start with what you can do, not what you can’t. It softens the blow of an outright no to lead off with something you’re able to say yes to. So think about what you are willing to agree to and offer that first: “I can help you with unpacking next weekend. I just wouldn’t be able to help you move tomorrow. “
4) Watch out for “Why nots?” Your no should be sufficient, and someone who presses for more is really being rude. Prepare ahead of time to say something like, “I just can’t do it.” Even if it’s because you have a massage appointment, if you’re taking your own needs and self-care seriously, that really means you can’t. You shouldn’t have to explain why.
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Reader Comments (4)
I really like the suggestion for the "I wish" clause - that makes me feel so much more at ease when I'm not able to say yes to something. Thanks!!!
Okay, but what am supposed to do when I want to say no to my toddler and I get various negotiations that include the question is that a "yes or no" when I say that we will see?
Yeah, my toddler is incapable of taking no for an answer. How can I teach him that no means no?
[...] already shared my perspective on the art of saying no. It’s probably one of the most important social skills you can master. But proper assertiveness [...]